LITTLE THINGS.

You don't know what's wrong, but somethings wrong, every thing is wrong. All these little things that are so stupid and they just start to fill your head, the voices won't stop, the hurt, and emptiness when you are left alone won't fucking stop, and all these little things start falling apart and you're doing the best you can to keep it all together but the harder you try the harder it gets and who the hell are you kidding? When you get home you start crying and you don't even know what over, so many small stupid things you can't pinpoint one specific thing and it drives you completely insane.

 And all you fucking want at that point is for someone to hold you while you breakdown and cry, someone to tell you all these monsters and things aren't real they're just in your head, hell they don't even have to say anything as long as they just hold you tight till you're done crying, but you can't ask anyone to hold you because you don't want them see you so broken down about such stupid little things, you don't wanna look weak, or crazy, you don't wanna admit you have a problem, because you have it under control you just want someone to hold you through the insecurities every now and then. 

And it's over stupid little things, but you know what? Its not stupid little things, these things become bigger and bigger and eat at you till there is nothing left of you, and this, this my friend is when you know you are starting to fall back while holding onto the rope with every ounce of strength you have left.

*FLAWS*

When someone can't accept a person for who they are counting their past mistakes, regrets, and flaws I think their missing out on something amazing.

Because that's what makes someone special your mistakes will either shape you and make you into someone amazing or break you.

Without our flaws and mistakes and regrets we wouldn't be who or where we are today, and most of us are in a better place because of at least one mistake.

Flaws are what build character, it's what character is made of and when you can't accept something so tragically beautiful you are truly missing out. Don't worry though you'll learn, we all do. ~ A xox

   

YOUR LIFE IS A DAILY BATTLE.

“A girl who is silent while the rest of the world makes noise, a girl whose time is well spent in the corner of her room. Her thoughts keep her from doing what she loves, they create a world of panic and insomnia, everybody's words stuffed into her head as she lays awake crying in her bed. No one could hear her scream and shout, when she started to slip away no one even knew what it was about. She tried to yell for help but couldn't seem to speak. Her thoughts told her 'No one cares you're hopeless and weak.' She cried her last tears and said her goodbyes but no one heard the silent girl nor had the time. Her thoughts are what hung her, for she was sure no one cared, it just wasn't fair tied around her neck like a rope cause the silent girl had finally lost hope.

Recently I was going through my old school stuff when I found a piece of paper with that written on it, I remember the day I wrote that and a thousand other notes just like that. An escape to a world where one would have enough courage to finally admit it was time to give in and admit it was over and not worth fighting for. A girl who was so desperate to hold on the littlest hope she could because she was terrified of what she might do if she had lost it, she didn't want to admit to herself that there was a problem, even though she knew there was. But it wasn't that big of a deal because she had a handle on it she wouldn't do anything too drastic, because taking a few sleeping pills to escape the torture of your own thoughts for a few hours isn't a big deal, or wanting to take a bottle of sleeping pills so she wouldn't have to ever listen to that voice inside her head again wasn't that big of a deal. I mean everybody has their down days right? So what's a few thoughts or pills or scrapes, what's a little blood, lost memory, suicide notes, or breaking down because you are almost having a physical fight with yourself about your own life.

 What's the big deal about the moment you realize you'd rather be dead than alive because taking the breathes to stay was so much more painful then it was worth. I mean what is wrong with that? Do we ever quite realize how many people have a daily battle with themselves over their own lives? Do we understand how hard it is for them to keep fighting and breathing and keep going even though every breath is like a knife in the chest, and every freaking fake smile you feel your heart crack right down the middle and shatter and when you go home you have to try and put it all back together again! You have to constantly be someone you aren't because you know what you are and what you feel and you don't want other people know the decision you are debating because if you decide against yourself you don't want someone stopping you because you think that is the only way to stop the pain and you want to be able to stop the pain. And every time something goes wrong, or you have to do something outside your comfort zone, or maybe you are just laying in bed and thinking about the future and the stupid freaking anxiety/panic attack starts at 1 in the morning. “What is depression? It's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.” anxiety is the feeling of someone grabbing your soul and crushing it with a steel toe boot. And panic attacks are the feeling of you're heart in your throat while somebody cuts off your oxygen and putting you in the mental state of being in a tiny box and all of a sudden you are the most claustrophobic person in the world.

 People in movies and books make depression look so beautiful but it is not beautiful. It is not fun, no part of it makes you look back in joy, and even if you manage to get past that hurdle it still creeps right behind you for the rest of your days waiting for something to happen so it can just devour you, it waits there living in your shadow waiting for you to fall back, and the worst part? The worst part is you are constantly terrified you might fall back, and what if you aren't strong enough to make it through the next time? What if you used all your strength and hope in the first battle and what if it wins in the war? You will never truly be free of this monster, for the tricky thing that people don't realize is it doesn't hide in the dark, under your bed, it hides in the light pretending to be your friend, disguising itself. And it is a daily fight to make sure you don't let it win the war.

Hello Humans!

Hello humans! I come in peace! Yes, yes I know I haven't posted since the Dinosaurs last roamed the earth, and yes I know I always start my posts with apologizing that I haven't posted in a while but I swear I will start trying to work on it! Okay back to the scheduled program.

So Ti's the season for going back to school. New book, clothes, pencils, crushed hopes and dreams and of course for us college students the soul crushing realization that you are going to be broke until next summer.. Well actually till we have graduated and by some miracle find a good paying job, so about 4-6 years of being broke, oh what joys of college! I myself have started my second semester at the community college and I'm already sweating about my math tests! English not so much, my English teacher is pretty chill although he did tell us we would have a ton of homework in that class, so not excited about that! I just signed up for marriage and family which my friend forced me to do (I hope you're happy I gave up my hour break for you!) the good thing about my college is I get to use their gym for only 15 dollars a semester, but I might have to wait a whole other month to use it, I don't quite understand why and thinks it's a dumb rule but whatever I'll still take it.

College is expensive even community college, that's why I don't understand how people can go to a university for a year or two then all of a sudden decide to go to a community college instead after spending all that money on a specific college for a specific major... I would be living in a box by now if that were me and I have literally talked to so many kids already at my school who have done that because 2 years after going to that university they decide they aren't sure they want the degree they've been paying to get and are already halfway there so they start over and now are in immense student debt... Like how does that not give you panic and anxiety attacks every 5 min?? is it just me, am I overreacting like is this really not a big deal and I just have stress and anxiety problems?? cause even thinking about this makes me panic a little, but whatever I guess you just gotta do what's best for you even if it means spending thousands to a college you don't like. Moving on though!

I don't feel like me and my friends are old enough to be going to college, it seems like just last week I was getting my drivers license and now I'll be able to vote for the next president and can go to college classes and people that are just a year 2 years older then me are getting married and having kids! Like what even is this!? We are not old enough to be adults.

Well soon we will all be graduating and getting married as well.. *SHIVERS*

So are you guys in college or High-school or graduated? If you are in school what is your favorite class, or if you are out what was your favorite class? And favorite teacher! Can't forget about those few teachers who actually care about the student and enjoy their job and through all the horrid stuff still make school a little better and not as dreadful to go to.

That's all lovelies! ~ A xoxo

WEDDING BELLS!

So I haven't posted anything in quite a while, mostly because of writers block... I'm still not sure what to write about, but I'm bound to write something even if it means winging it.. But alas, my easily distracted mind has just remembered my friend just got married this weekend! So go get your popcorn, turn up your music and get comfy kiddies cause it's story time!

So a friend from work who has had a long distance relationship with her fiance for two years, recently tied the knot! This Friday to be exact, and let me tell you, it was BEAUTIFUL! From the white string lights to the bridesmaid dress it was just gorgeous! It looked like a fairy tale that I wish I could visit every time I have a bad dream. It was held in a whine brewery in a cute town I love so much, it was held outside on a beautiful balcony/porch type thing. (Haha) with white stringy Christmas lights hanging up everywhere, the color theme is turquoise and deep red, which you would think wouldn't go but it was quite gorgeous. Hair and makeup was flawless, smiles all around the room pure joy from close friends and family, not just a bunch of people who barely know the bride and groom, but people who actually are close to them and care for them and want to see them live happily ever after, genuine happiness for them.

The sermon was beautiful and so much good advice. But the look on the grooms face with anticipation of seeing his bride walk down that isle trumped it all. The smile he could barely contain, it was priceless. And then, then came the bride. Walking down the isle in a long strapless BEAUTIFUL dress, that sparkled and had a elegant beaded belt and she was breathtaking! And the groom realized just how lucky he was and you could tell by the spirited look on his face.

It was so gorgeous I don't know how else to describe it other then fairy tale like. And the inside reception area was just as beautiful and enchanting, she really out did herself and it paid off it was just amazing!

And to make it even better I went with some people from work and it was one of the best nights I've had in such a long time! I laughed so incredibly hard I swear my face almost froze in a smile form (And not the flattering kind)

it was a beautiful wedding and an amazing, fun night that I am so glad I did not miss out on.

I am going to miss working with her tho, I don't know how I'm going to get through those long dreadful days without her sassy attitude, and sarcastic comments. Making fun of rude customers and her laughing at my awful Stacy Dillsen accent (If you don't know what I'm talking about go watch Zoey 101 please!) But I'm happy for her and her husband and I hope they are happy and do well in their new life together, I wish them the best of luck, lots of love, and years together (maybe children) lol.

So I'd say it was a pretty good weekend getting to see my friend marry the man that makes her happy and share the experience of her beautiful wedding with some quite hilarious friends.

Lots of love ~ A

BOREDOM THERAPY.

This past two weeks have left me extremely bored. I was either sick and had to stay home and away from the people in society, or have been snowed in... like today. I have died several times mentally of boredom, and I just can't really stand it anymore. I am a person who has to be constantly entertained but, I am pretty easy to entertain usually just watching tv with someone else or watching them play a game is entertaining. But my sister stays in her room all day and like I said I was sick so couldn't be around people or snowed in so no one could here. So alas I had to find ways to entertain myself, and if you are anything like me you may want to keep reading.



FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: DO NOT EAT!!!

If you are hungry because you are actually hungry then by all means go ahead dig into that left over cheesecake, or grab a back of pretzels and start scooping up that nutella. Or you know eat something healthy and better fulfilling to hold you over better, that works too I gues... but whatever you do don't eat just because you are bored and need an activity to do, it's hard I know but if you eat just because your bored next thing you know you'll be on the next season of the biggest loser, and lets face it none of us want to run that many laps or lift that much, we'd all rather be slightly over weight and be lazy. (THIS IS A JOKE NO OFFENSE)


SECONDLY: EXERCISE 

D a little workout, instead of watching a show you've seen 10 times and know your totally bored with it just do some sit-ups or cruches (personally I like cruches better) do some squats or jumping jacks, wall sit, go running, jump rope anything. keep your body moving you wont be so terribly bored!


THIRDLY: PLAY A GAME OR DRAW/WRITE/READ

Now I understand if you are sick you can't very well exercise cause that'd be god awful. But you can play video games or if you have someone there that is willing a card or board game.. or you can just sit down and work on your artistic or poetic skills if you feel so inspired to. Or curl up with a good book that you haven't finished (which I have a few of...)


FOURTHLY: SOCIAL MEDIA.

There are tons of social media websites that you can log into and stalk your friends and family, people you use to know or dislike lol jk (NOT REALLY) get on facebook, instagram, twitter, tumblr, pinterest, weheartit, etc. there are a ton of them heck if you wanna, go online shopping or online window shopping watch videos the possibilities are endless... sorta as long as you have wifi or data.


FIFTH: COOK.

Cook or bake something! cookies, muffins, cupcake, pasta, ramen. anything you like to cook it's a good time killer and then you can take a picture of your creation and post it on social media! double wammie! (not sure if that's spelled right)

AND LASTLY: SLEEP!

Take a nice long nap! get some extra Z's especially if you're
 sick you need the rest to get better!!!

anyway that's all I have hope you guys liked it and it helps somehow sorry it's so long! ~A XOX

CHEESY LOVE

Love is the absolute worst feeling in the world. It leaves you vulnerable and helpless, hopeless and afraid, you are exposed no armor nothing to protect you from the force of the sword that is certain to come. You hate the person they make you angrier then anyone has ever before, easier then anyone, and yet you can’t stay angry at them. They annoy the living crap out of you, insult you, offend you, tick you off, and it’s nerve wrecking to trust someone as much as you unwillingly trust them! It makes you sick at your stomach when you fight, (which you’ll probably do a lot about stupid things and you know its stupid but still get so angry over!)

 

 Love makes it hard to sleep at night or think about things rationally, I mean you still have a rational side that voice just gets a lot quieter and it’s a lot harder to listen to no matter how hard you try. And when you can sleep your probably dreaming about them. Love is stupid literally stupid, like you just can’t think things through in the heat of the moment the heat of all those stupid petty little fights. It’s awful torture all those butterflies, being so bipolar with the loving one minute and hating the next fighting one second and making up literally two seconds later.

 

 Love is crazy and it makes you crazy and insane it’s ridiculous it sucks more then anything and hurts more then anything you’ve ever felt.

 

But that being said Love is amazing yes it’s hard but it’s worth it, if we never love we never live, it’s better to have loved and lost then to never loved at all, It’s amazing to have someone you trust more then anyone (and scary) and to be able to talk to someone no matter what. It’s worth having something worth fighting for it’s nice having someone you want to fight to keep with all the power you have even tho sometimes you may want to give up and you have to take a step back and weigh the good and the bad to see if it’s worth it, and it usually is.

 

 The wonderful feeling of not being able to stay mad at someone, or instantly being in a better mood when you see or even hear their sweet voice. Being able to hold that person and be there for them as much as they are for you, love is endless. Yes everyone’s love is different and some people have it easier and some have it harder but the question you will constantly ask yourself is “is it worth it?” and if it’s not it’s probably not love. Nothing good comes easy tho. Just because you and your BF/GF are BFF and exactly alike doesn’t mean it’s gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard with any relationship with anyone!

 

Weather they are just like you or are complete opposite. Love is a terribly, amazing, tragically, beautiful, thing to experience. I encourage you to fall in love even if you end up doing a face plant into the concrete or have before. Maybe don’t be stupid and naïve but don’t hold yourself back. Don’t rob yourself of an exciting adventure a roller coaster that will most definitely make you sick but in the end it’s all worth it. Don’t rush it tho just let it happen do go around looking for love, it’ll happen you just gotta have a little patience (which if your me you don’t have any of) ~A xox