“A
girl who is silent while the rest of the world makes noise, a girl
whose time is well spent in the corner of her room. Her thoughts keep
her from doing what she loves, they create a world of panic and
insomnia, everybody's words stuffed into her head as she lays awake
crying in her bed. No one could hear her scream and shout, when she
started to slip away no one even knew what it was about. She tried to
yell for help but couldn't seem to speak. Her thoughts told her 'No
one cares you're hopeless and weak.'
She cried her last tears and said her goodbyes but no one heard the
silent girl nor had the time. Her thoughts are what hung her, for she
was sure no one cared, it just wasn't fair tied around her neck like
a rope cause the silent girl had finally lost hope.
Recently
I was going through my old school stuff when I found a piece of paper
with that written on it, I remember the day I wrote that and a
thousand other notes just like that. An escape to a world where one
would have enough courage to finally admit it was time to give in and
admit it was over and not worth fighting for. A girl who was so
desperate to hold on the littlest hope she could because she was
terrified of what she might do if she had lost it, she didn't want
to admit to herself that there was a problem, even though she knew
there was. But it wasn't that big of a deal because she had a handle
on it she wouldn't do anything too drastic, because taking a few
sleeping pills to escape the torture of your own thoughts for a few
hours isn't a big deal, or wanting to take a bottle of sleeping pills
so she wouldn't have to ever listen to that voice inside her head
again wasn't that big of a deal. I mean everybody has their down days
right? So what's a few thoughts or pills or scrapes, what's a little
blood, lost memory, suicide notes, or breaking down because you are
almost having a physical fight with yourself about your own life.
What's the big deal about the moment you realize you'd rather be dead than alive because taking the breathes to stay was so much more painful then it was worth. I mean what is wrong with that? Do we ever quite realize how many people have a daily battle with themselves over their own lives? Do we understand how hard it is for them to keep fighting and breathing and keep going even though every breath is like a knife in the chest, and every freaking fake smile you feel your heart crack right down the middle and shatter and when you go home you have to try and put it all back together again! You have to constantly be someone you aren't because you know what you are and what you feel and you don't want other people know the decision you are debating because if you decide against yourself you don't want someone stopping you because you think that is the only way to stop the pain and you want to be able to stop the pain. And every time something goes wrong, or you have to do something outside your comfort zone, or maybe you are just laying in bed and thinking about the future and the stupid freaking anxiety/panic attack starts at 1 in the morning. “What is depression? It's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.” anxiety is the feeling of someone grabbing your soul and crushing it with a steel toe boot. And panic attacks are the feeling of you're heart in your throat while somebody cuts off your oxygen and putting you in the mental state of being in a tiny box and all of a sudden you are the most claustrophobic person in the world.
People in movies and books make depression look so beautiful but it is not beautiful. It is not fun, no part of it makes you look back in joy, and even if you manage to get past that hurdle it still creeps right behind you for the rest of your days waiting for something to happen so it can just devour you, it waits there living in your shadow waiting for you to fall back, and the worst part? The worst part is you are constantly terrified you might fall back, and what if you aren't strong enough to make it through the next time? What if you used all your strength and hope in the first battle and what if it wins in the war? You will never truly be free of this monster, for the tricky thing that people don't realize is it doesn't hide in the dark, under your bed, it hides in the light pretending to be your friend, disguising itself. And it is a daily fight to make sure you don't let it win the war.
What's the big deal about the moment you realize you'd rather be dead than alive because taking the breathes to stay was so much more painful then it was worth. I mean what is wrong with that? Do we ever quite realize how many people have a daily battle with themselves over their own lives? Do we understand how hard it is for them to keep fighting and breathing and keep going even though every breath is like a knife in the chest, and every freaking fake smile you feel your heart crack right down the middle and shatter and when you go home you have to try and put it all back together again! You have to constantly be someone you aren't because you know what you are and what you feel and you don't want other people know the decision you are debating because if you decide against yourself you don't want someone stopping you because you think that is the only way to stop the pain and you want to be able to stop the pain. And every time something goes wrong, or you have to do something outside your comfort zone, or maybe you are just laying in bed and thinking about the future and the stupid freaking anxiety/panic attack starts at 1 in the morning. “What is depression? It's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.” anxiety is the feeling of someone grabbing your soul and crushing it with a steel toe boot. And panic attacks are the feeling of you're heart in your throat while somebody cuts off your oxygen and putting you in the mental state of being in a tiny box and all of a sudden you are the most claustrophobic person in the world.
People in movies and books make depression look so beautiful but it is not beautiful. It is not fun, no part of it makes you look back in joy, and even if you manage to get past that hurdle it still creeps right behind you for the rest of your days waiting for something to happen so it can just devour you, it waits there living in your shadow waiting for you to fall back, and the worst part? The worst part is you are constantly terrified you might fall back, and what if you aren't strong enough to make it through the next time? What if you used all your strength and hope in the first battle and what if it wins in the war? You will never truly be free of this monster, for the tricky thing that people don't realize is it doesn't hide in the dark, under your bed, it hides in the light pretending to be your friend, disguising itself. And it is a daily fight to make sure you don't let it win the war.
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