YOUR LIFE IS A DAILY BATTLE.

“A girl who is silent while the rest of the world makes noise, a girl whose time is well spent in the corner of her room. Her thoughts keep her from doing what she loves, they create a world of panic and insomnia, everybody's words stuffed into her head as she lays awake crying in her bed. No one could hear her scream and shout, when she started to slip away no one even knew what it was about. She tried to yell for help but couldn't seem to speak. Her thoughts told her 'No one cares you're hopeless and weak.' She cried her last tears and said her goodbyes but no one heard the silent girl nor had the time. Her thoughts are what hung her, for she was sure no one cared, it just wasn't fair tied around her neck like a rope cause the silent girl had finally lost hope.

Recently I was going through my old school stuff when I found a piece of paper with that written on it, I remember the day I wrote that and a thousand other notes just like that. An escape to a world where one would have enough courage to finally admit it was time to give in and admit it was over and not worth fighting for. A girl who was so desperate to hold on the littlest hope she could because she was terrified of what she might do if she had lost it, she didn't want to admit to herself that there was a problem, even though she knew there was. But it wasn't that big of a deal because she had a handle on it she wouldn't do anything too drastic, because taking a few sleeping pills to escape the torture of your own thoughts for a few hours isn't a big deal, or wanting to take a bottle of sleeping pills so she wouldn't have to ever listen to that voice inside her head again wasn't that big of a deal. I mean everybody has their down days right? So what's a few thoughts or pills or scrapes, what's a little blood, lost memory, suicide notes, or breaking down because you are almost having a physical fight with yourself about your own life.

 What's the big deal about the moment you realize you'd rather be dead than alive because taking the breathes to stay was so much more painful then it was worth. I mean what is wrong with that? Do we ever quite realize how many people have a daily battle with themselves over their own lives? Do we understand how hard it is for them to keep fighting and breathing and keep going even though every breath is like a knife in the chest, and every freaking fake smile you feel your heart crack right down the middle and shatter and when you go home you have to try and put it all back together again! You have to constantly be someone you aren't because you know what you are and what you feel and you don't want other people know the decision you are debating because if you decide against yourself you don't want someone stopping you because you think that is the only way to stop the pain and you want to be able to stop the pain. And every time something goes wrong, or you have to do something outside your comfort zone, or maybe you are just laying in bed and thinking about the future and the stupid freaking anxiety/panic attack starts at 1 in the morning. “What is depression? It's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.” anxiety is the feeling of someone grabbing your soul and crushing it with a steel toe boot. And panic attacks are the feeling of you're heart in your throat while somebody cuts off your oxygen and putting you in the mental state of being in a tiny box and all of a sudden you are the most claustrophobic person in the world.

 People in movies and books make depression look so beautiful but it is not beautiful. It is not fun, no part of it makes you look back in joy, and even if you manage to get past that hurdle it still creeps right behind you for the rest of your days waiting for something to happen so it can just devour you, it waits there living in your shadow waiting for you to fall back, and the worst part? The worst part is you are constantly terrified you might fall back, and what if you aren't strong enough to make it through the next time? What if you used all your strength and hope in the first battle and what if it wins in the war? You will never truly be free of this monster, for the tricky thing that people don't realize is it doesn't hide in the dark, under your bed, it hides in the light pretending to be your friend, disguising itself. And it is a daily fight to make sure you don't let it win the war.

Hello Humans!

Hello humans! I come in peace! Yes, yes I know I haven't posted since the Dinosaurs last roamed the earth, and yes I know I always start my posts with apologizing that I haven't posted in a while but I swear I will start trying to work on it! Okay back to the scheduled program.

So Ti's the season for going back to school. New book, clothes, pencils, crushed hopes and dreams and of course for us college students the soul crushing realization that you are going to be broke until next summer.. Well actually till we have graduated and by some miracle find a good paying job, so about 4-6 years of being broke, oh what joys of college! I myself have started my second semester at the community college and I'm already sweating about my math tests! English not so much, my English teacher is pretty chill although he did tell us we would have a ton of homework in that class, so not excited about that! I just signed up for marriage and family which my friend forced me to do (I hope you're happy I gave up my hour break for you!) the good thing about my college is I get to use their gym for only 15 dollars a semester, but I might have to wait a whole other month to use it, I don't quite understand why and thinks it's a dumb rule but whatever I'll still take it.

College is expensive even community college, that's why I don't understand how people can go to a university for a year or two then all of a sudden decide to go to a community college instead after spending all that money on a specific college for a specific major... I would be living in a box by now if that were me and I have literally talked to so many kids already at my school who have done that because 2 years after going to that university they decide they aren't sure they want the degree they've been paying to get and are already halfway there so they start over and now are in immense student debt... Like how does that not give you panic and anxiety attacks every 5 min?? is it just me, am I overreacting like is this really not a big deal and I just have stress and anxiety problems?? cause even thinking about this makes me panic a little, but whatever I guess you just gotta do what's best for you even if it means spending thousands to a college you don't like. Moving on though!

I don't feel like me and my friends are old enough to be going to college, it seems like just last week I was getting my drivers license and now I'll be able to vote for the next president and can go to college classes and people that are just a year 2 years older then me are getting married and having kids! Like what even is this!? We are not old enough to be adults.

Well soon we will all be graduating and getting married as well.. *SHIVERS*

So are you guys in college or High-school or graduated? If you are in school what is your favorite class, or if you are out what was your favorite class? And favorite teacher! Can't forget about those few teachers who actually care about the student and enjoy their job and through all the horrid stuff still make school a little better and not as dreadful to go to.

That's all lovelies! ~ A xoxo